sorrow and joy

And the years trickle on
bustling brooks of moments gone and time washing by and the missing you wells in my eyes and swells in my heart and i wander a wondering path of grief and sorrow, loss and love. with joyful comfort in remembering
and today
more than other days
you become my hearbeating
your laugh and smile engraved in the forefront of every thought
all the things i want to tell you
all the things i wish i could have shared with you

To smile at Grief

this burning loss wraps over my heart in waves
washing over my body in thick, choking swells
i remember you
i remember your sweet smile and how you warmed my heart.

i remember all other losses
and my heart swells again

blurring hurt
thickening the energy around me
weighing down my limbs
freeing hot, aching tears

And i remember, i too, will die.
And you too, will die.

And in the way the leaves begin to change
Their vibrant lives are still -and forever- beautiful
Even as they fall
Gently touching down in a torrent of life and love.

So, this loss swells in my heart
And twists the crevices of this hurt
Into a deep gratitude for that which is lost.

To weep tears of sorrow is to embrace Life's ocean -
To ride the current of Give and Take.
To grieve deeply is simply to love deeply
To smile at Grief is to cherish that which is lost.

In loving memory of Lane Witt
September 23, 2010

flow

blueberry dripping
drop drip
drip drop
dropping
down the cascading light of day across a noontimes lull and into the moon of summers harvest sea why do you see me why do you seem so blue in those blueeyesbluedownsbluenews kiss my cheek and love me slowly down the trickling moment the warm creek in shallow water. summer sun glowing love glowing life glowing you. down on you. down on me and through. molding - making - melting into the heat of succulent sunny hot breezes
love me slowly
love me truly
love me until i melt and you melt and we melt into one and never stop
metal welded together but forever molding changing growing
quiet the sorrow in my heart
quiet the heat in my hurt
drip into the beat falling down on my heart and burst through in vitality. and glow.
glow.

Lavender

I love lavender.  The succulent smell, and the way it envelopes every sense when I press it between my fingers the way my mommy taught me as a little girl.  I can't resist the muted purple pillars draped with soft brown and green.  I love the way the bees adore the sweet syrup and perform their sporatic ballet in the summer's heat on it's lavender stage.  All tension and woes seem to vanish, even if just temporarily, in the perfume of fresh lavender.  How grateful I am for the gift it gives us.

delicious lavender infused vodka martini at La Capitale, Salem OR.  Enjoyed on Mom's birthday 8.3.2010

lavender love.

Crescent City

Tasting the first moments of our adventure to the Redwoods!  Mom and I trekked as far as Crescent City tonight - where we are now stopped in a little hotel.  Looking forward to a fresh adventure tomorrow.  Tonight's journey brought us down dark, windy roads cast with the constant glow of ominous tree trunks crowding every curve of the highway.  And, the thrill of seeing them just leaves me giddy!
Mom and I talked about how lucky we feel to be only excited to be trapped in the car together for hours/days on end with no sense of dread as so many other people have told us they would feel with their family.  Not us though.  We picked the lucky straw and get to just have a good time.  We sang along to Nat King Cole and David Gray and played bird-call games on her phone "there's an app for that!".
So far - having a blast and loving that we get four more days of fun.  Tomorrow we add to our company with Anna and Henry and their son Satto!

It's just beginning!

lonesome when you go

He's been my boy for three years this August.  Not a single day has gone by that Misfit hasn't been front and center, eager and ready for any amount of snuggling you can dish out and usually far more than you can stand to give - he always wants more.  Even now, as I type this, he is purring and forcing his cheeks against my hands, pawing at my arm trying to get it wrapped around him.  He follows me from room to room, keeps me company when I take a bath; nudges my face in adoring kisses; purrs when i tell him how much i love him; squawks frantically at the window- pacing back and forth- before i can get in the front door when he hears my car pull up; he plays whatever games the neighbor girls want him too, following them down the sidewalk, chasing sticks endlessly for them; he spoons and hugs (I woke up this morning with my arm wrapped around him and his arm draped over my shoulder, his head beneath my chin - fast asleep).

I'll be lonely when you're gone, little prince.

oh wistful day

oh wistful day. would you dance with me? down memory lane. over daydream's pass and on. on to my romantic moon for one sweet waltz

got my chin up and my nose to the grindstone, my hands are at my heart and my little toes are planted firmly on the joy trail.

Ankeny

It was late evening and the sun was setting a golden shimmer over the refuge - it took my breath away. Feeling like a trespasser on a private moment where the sun made sweet love to the glistening water and grassy meadow, my heart tightened and swelled with pulsing love for this place.
I chose to walk without camera or binoculars tonight. Somehow, the sweet torture of using only my own senses to identify and remember magnified my impulses. I felt moments of anxiety - wanting to see a bird more closely, wanting to capture the exquisite sunset, wanting wanting wanting. It was annoyingly gorgeous. I wanted to share it with the world, I wanted to keep it all wrapped in a bottle in my soul. The swell of passion left me giddy, excited, humbled. Awe for this world, this life, this love is the fine grains of sand filling my spirit and aching to share a grain with you.

And the soul beats

made with love from a photo I took last night.

Like I Love The Moon

I love you like i love the sun

The soaring caverns of my heart fly for you
Through greys and blues of clouded time and feathered wing
I love you with a rippling flame and a roaring wave

When I kiss you, it is the sun kissing Horizon's breast,
And the moist spring licking over smooth rock which tastes your lip

I love you with Summer's sultry heat

In a golden fever on the aching end of desire
And the simple lull of sleepy grasses blowing kisses to the night

I love you like the delicate petal

Rooted with strength and grown in Serenity's soil
You are the bloom in my cheeks and every blossom in my garden

You are my sun and moon, my love.

Unfinished

Lost in a daydream's song
Lost on the wing of a sparrow
Gone into the wild wind
Gone across the path I follow

Deeply frowning against the weight
Deeply feeling the need to release
Softly praying the wing knows where
Softly hoping the tall oak sees

Heron's Sun Prayer

We are a reflection
A reflection of one another
Wherever you go
I go
Wherever I go
You may follow
We will go there together

on the swaying sea

the loss of a friend i fear
the day is drawing near
gusting wind brought headlines
big and bold – distinctive, glaring signs
solitary heart at the end of day’s rainy pier
grey and cold, taken by a mourner’s tear
envied faith lost in trying times
despairing waves - ebbing declines
swelling into hidden reef with water's unclear
sorrow, drowned in weeping moans you cannot hear
the seeking captain's soul, direction unknown
compass-less against the winds lustful groan
the loss of a friend i fear
that day is all too near

Emerson said:

"All life is an experiment."
I said:
We love, we live we laugh we hurt.  And then, we can do it all over again.

ditty

A mouse in a cupboard house, named tia maria
lived in a shoe the color of blue
oh and the carrots and beets she would eat -
you simply can't beat such a treat 

sitting upon a shoestring seat!
For frolicking fun, to laugh with the sun,
out of her baby blue shoe, tia maria would doodidillydoo
with a silly "hoo-dilly-hoo"
and up in the air, sweet, startled Doreelou flew!
So scared of someone so small,
with a shout and a call, up the wall
All of Doreelou did fall.
This naughty mouse in a house
knew just what to do

to scare poor, sweet

little Doreelou quite through.
And, that twirl of a girl never knew
where her lost blue shoe tossed to.

Learn the art of the half-smile. Find peace.

And so must we all

The dusty butterfly died.
Gone are the days of her safe cocoon
wrapped in the warm sun of early Spring
thawing Winter's dreary thoughts, ice white.
Into the rich green and through Summer's hot red heat
Wings discontented yet full of blue reflections of
Garden's love, draping the air
with each kissing thrust
Weighed down, but burdened no more
Dead in the flightless dreams
of crackling Autumn leaves.

march 26 2010

feeling hearty into the delicious day moving mountains of grain deep into the burrow of the night furrowing flowing floundering freshly finding furious bites of meaty moments making you a memory and me a midnight moon making my own way musing melodic mystics delicious day dreaming of more

in the blue hurry that was this streaming crest of kindled flame crisply carressing against the dawn of dusk tainting what was real into a now twisted vision of what the heart wants and the mind denies You kiss my fingertips deliciously drowning me in the blue hurry of desire Just a dream Just a dream but such a truth in the imagination's rooted soul swirling melting these visions of heart seeping the mind in a chamomile of undeniable truths

A touch on life and being

"If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people."  ~Thich Nhat Han

Life is both intricate and simple. To novel over this is to acknowledge that what you give - you also receive. To love wholly this connection between all things - bodily and spiritually - is to know peace.
 
Breathe: 'I am alive in this moment.'

NC

NC trip
two long travel days, one day of hellos and hugs followed by a day of tearful goodbyes. Lots of good Carolina comfort food, one night around a campfire chatting and the last night enjoying a southern storm out on the porch.  "Wabi Sabi"


It was just so fast – too fast – but worth it for those hugs and precious moments with the fam.

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering

There's a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in."
~LeonardCohen, "Anthem". Also found in Little Zen Companion

There are days when I am a better person than on others; for the days when I am not: I am truly sorry. For the days when I am: may they end in smiling joy.  And for all the many days in between: I hope you’ll love me on these days the most.

this is the battle, twisting through the heart, not even taking the time to twist around it - just through. weave me a tale where this works out. i ask you, please. forgive me. forgive you. twinkle a one and only love, stroke with laughter and tickle romantic reality. please.
swaying in cluttered confusion, peace just out of grasp, disatisfaction quickly at hand and distaste deep with in already waiting to be fed.  time to change tunes.
a musical decision setting the mood of misery not from what is truly, but what isn't.  Move on.
Seriously.
You're not making any sense anyway.

Moving on then.  Subject: Awaiting your reply

Awaiting your reply in the steamy mist of August's morning, tasting the sweet smell of summer and chocolate brown earth, golden fields of wheat, crisp and cloudless blue skies above - heavy with the heat to come - the day promises much.
At the market, fresh tuna and crab are chosen with care.  Sushi sets the evenings mood.  Simple.  Exotic.  Fun.  Seductive.  Smilling will be inevitable; this is vital if the day's promise is to be fulfilled.  Richly swaying from moment to moment, eagerly anticipating: I await your reply.

Promise me the night

In the romance of this samba, I sit alone panicking the moon will leave - which of course you know it will.  a fretful display of notorious, noxious nights, one after another after another. And here in this loquaciously stated trance - may you find nothing and everything here. sip the night's moon like the brew in your morning's cup - slowly, lovingly. Owling hours are for languid thoughts, heavy with passion. Stroke the hip of your lover - one lingering, long line - instill the chill that will shiver sweet caresses down her spine when you've gone.  In the baking mid-day sun, pulsing heat, surrounding, constricting and relaxing in a tidal wave's heat. consumption. catastrophic chill chips the very character of release. and still, on the night comes in new blue hues whispering secrets and kissing Promise's rosy cheek while passing by.

Moonlit

Moroccon moon
shake the night away
with the sway of sultry evening hips
wrapped in ruby silk
plush, blood red lips
tangled in the pulsing blur
of midnight steps
kissing the trembling
creaking oak

may we meet
tonight
in a twirling frenzy of arms and legs
wrapped in rumba
and sprightly pink champagne
pecking blushing cheeks

a shout out

awesome beats of the funkyshit variety: http://moongriffin.bandcamp.com/

Who are you writing anyway?
Yes. The rain is breezing by, and the winds beat down the last leaves of ending autumn.  Colder the nights breath, icy gusts down my neck.  Whipping at my hair, weighing it down with watery air – weather. You are welcome here.

Recipe for a deliciously happy Valentine's evening (albeit a solo one)

STEP 1

hello handsome.

come to mama

STEP 2

hummus n veggies

STEP 3 

cool hipnoise beats:

STEP 4

artichoke with a lemon dill aioli

yummmm yum

STEP 5

  tortellini in bechamel sauce w/ sun-dried tomato and garlic

STEP 6

naturally:

STEP 7

An Affair To Remember - 100% Charming

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ggw5bLWezEM&feature=related

STEP 8

making cookies is fun!

Happy Valentine's!

i'm sorry i brought it up.
really.

just thinking

Sitting here with Gramma
In a hospital bed -
Ticking, reverberating noises,
The hum of busy, work-horse nurses
Outside the door,
And overhead, a cacophony of commercials
Complete the distracting orchestra,
Numbing the pain
Loneliness and worry.
And, I know that just a
Few halls away,
Babies are being born -
Tears of joy stream down
The cheeks of new moms.
And though I can't hear it over
This soporific symphony,
I also know that outside these
Thick, unyielding windows,
The rain is pounding down
Hard
In a pulsing, choreographed ballet.
And I wonder,
Does the rain ignore
What happens here inside?
Or, does each dewy pearl
Drop with the same love that's
Locked up in these humming confines?
Like a mirror -
All love - is in everything.
 breathing in
 releasing out

"You get the best efforts from others not by lighting a fire beneath them, but by building a fire within."  
~ Bob Nelson

With or Without You

Like the eyelash
of fate
Protectively flickering
up and down
Slowly resting against
Decision's soft cheek.
A firm but yeilding form
Gentle strokes
Hide the promise of future
behind its sultry veil.
Images change the history
of time
Like the surreal
and jagged scene
of a silent film
Rehearsing the script of
Your life
Whether you play the game or not.

Reflections of the dark

In the lusty midnight hours
stroking the soft small of your back
in a magnetic pull - drawn in
but refraining.
stay asleep,
rest with the moon
as these paling hours tremble on
reflections flowing down the
ebbing stream of discontent and
Solicitous solitude.
bemoaning stature of
a prosaic, archaic palindrome
forward and back again
sweet strokes of adoration
lost in the melancholy mind of bemusement

On dancing, kitchens and running away from home

sometimes i wonder if i've got this right
tonight i drove ..and just wanted to keep on. driving
but
instead followed my nose on home and
i danced in my kitchen and drank a beer.
kitchens are meant for dancing i think.  Men! did you hear that? Take the lead, n spin that lady 'round

i love easily
my heart is touched quickly and fiercely
by those around me.

a lure

oh, there you are.
my little bluesy friend
blowin' in with a cool breeze tonight.
but, then again, who could blame you?

You can sip through the milky sweetness,
at the head of my beer...but, just a sip!
it suits me just fine tonight.
And so do you, blue friend.

If we sit here together in our solitude
We can leave soon to snuggle in it a bit more
But only if you promise me kisses
out in the breeze you came in on.
The rain is just right for a stolen kiss
among friends.

Baby, let's not argue. let's not fight,
Let's just play straight
Fly right
And hug tight.
Oh Baby, take the bait.

not what i thought it would be...

he rode in on a harmonica road
a moaning groan in a lullaby facade
crawling across the pub floor of my imagination
dripping in electric blue streaks of wet paint

what an ignorant fool you are
lost, confused attempting to smile
you made a rue
thickening, thickening, simmering, thickening
into an abstract dream of non-reality.
dreaming dreams and waking dreams
thick thick
tick
tick
time
thickly dripping its sticky syrup
down the drain of your aspirations until
it clogs.

hot damn that's depressing.

a peep show

It bespoke a calm that didn't exist - proving that the flow continues.  continues on making me look up. smile, remember.  remember a time that made sense.  A time that filled my heart with happiness and excitement.  Where did it run off too?  how could i ever let it.  seems criminal.  criminal acts made in haste for what purpose?
Swallowing.
Swallowed up into a blur of insecurity.  Now I dig my nails in until they bleed.  Trying to retrace my fallen path.  Unwilling to slip back again into black blurs of motion I can't seem to ever interpret correctly.  And, I see your eyes glaring at me eager to fill with anger and disdain.
please cleanse me. soon.
let this hurt heal.
let this hurt force open a bigger love.  bigger compassion than i ever had before it.  and let it please be enough to dry these tears.  And Let Go.
I am perhaps not complete openness anymore.  I feel reservations lurking in a heart veiled with doubt and thickly masked with enthusiasm.
The charming, smiling kind of enthusiasm.
When the mask bleeds into reality will I notice the change - appreciating it for what it is:
The Letting Go...which could trace every pearled tear - but won't.

Status Update

I like my life served Up, with a twist of Adventure; and a full glass of Affection to chase it with.
Give me kindness.
Give me sweetness.
Give me love.
And I will happily give the same.

True Healing Begins With Giving Truely

Be lulled by those simple things that fill your heart with joy and love.
Let the afternoon sun heal your sadness with its gentling light.
Allow each note of music to caress those parts of your soul which feel broken with loss.
Embrace the compassion and smiles of those reaching out their hands and hearts to you with grace.
Cherish the influence of one life on another as a treasure.
Hold nothing back which you can give;
Without giving of Self - there is no healing.


'07 ...on grief

recreate

and i look forward to walking out that door
again
today
so the rain can wash down
over my face
wash down over my fears, my heavy thoughts
wash down clean
sparkling refresh
rejuvenated
recreate
the day

just some thoughts from a while ago...

itching, tasting
numbness
pounding
pulsating against my ribs
throbbing
to sickness
Where is my peace
gentleness
serenity
Lost
I want it back.

hide me.
please
for only a little while.